Psychologist to separations during Corona-crisis: beware of the grübel circle
In times of Corona much is on the Brink. How is the workplace and to your health? Holding in such times, perhaps, only the partnership – but what if there is a crisis looming there, even the Beziehungsaus is decided? What can fresh do separate in spite of the lack of everyday life, to the time endure up to the Exit from the crisis, betrays the established psychologist Michael Thiel, in an Interview.
Mr Thiel, you also offer couple consultations via Skype and phone. You are doing more than usual?
No, unfortunately I have always a lot to do (laughs). That it is going to explode by Corona even more, I can’t say. But I advise you currently a woman who lives together with her husband, even though both know that it is running and you are almost separated already. By the Corona-crisis, they are now more or less 24 hours – for a very annoying Situation. Especially since the Couple had already tried, spatial distance is not more to produce what goes on now but even.
How could distance, because win when you live together, go out but is not an Option?
It sounds easier than it is: You should make sure that everyone in the common apartment, his own space, and it’s really out of the way. So you can for example say: “You take the bedroom with your stuff, I go to the living room.”
Another, very important point: Before the separation there was a time in which one has loved, and perhaps there are even common children. This time, you should make just now aware of exactly how the good sides on each other. During the separation, one often finds the behavior of the other not well, but him as a Person, you should always appreciate in value. Thus, one could, at least during the Corona-measures to achieve a ceasefire.
Unhappy couples is likely that in the current exceptional situation even more difficult than it already is now.
In fact, it is due to density Stress are often more likely to fight. In such cases, I advise to the so-called BANKING model. The B stands for Beschreiben you the behavior that you at the other bothers. I spin around: You say nothing at all, if you come in the apartment. A stands for Aimpact. About: I feel you not at all appreciated. N is for name change requests. This could be the case: Even if we are now in the separation of life, I would like to, that we respectfully deal with each other. When you get home, say, perhaps a word of love. And K refers to the consequence: If you approach that way, so behavior would, then would it me better to go and then we can use this Corona time well deal with.
Psychologist Michael Thiel brings you closer to the children in his Podcast, “Hello, I’m Manfred!” the Coronavirus, and explains how they are now with family conflicts can bypass
If someone has a fear of job loss and then the Partner is eliminated as a safe Harbor, might enormous fears for the future. How can you deal with it?
Safety is the right word. In order to remain mentally reasonably healthy and get through life, we need to have the feeling that the lives and future are for us relatively safe. I advise people to start now to get into a Blues: Are you actively, to get information. What is there now is the potential for new grants that I can apply for? If you say, I don’t want to stay alone, then go for me also a legitimate partner platforms. Or you can look on the Internet for groups, where you can find like-Minded people with whom you can share.
Another thing is this awareness, that this Corona will be time eventually, to the end. At the Moment you need to overcome this Isolation, and the bad times. But after that, it will be different. A wise sentence by the late Austrian psychologist Viktor Emil Frankl: “he Who has a Why in life can endure almost any How.” If I know, why I now in the Moment, not go out, can and am, because I myself and other people now must protect against this Virus – then I can stand this As a period of time. You need to make clear why the Situation is now so, and that there is definitely a time then that is better.
We go a step further and a complete loss of Contact in a relationship. Do you think that mental health in the Corona-crisis is more vulnerable than otherwise?
We humans are by nature group animals. From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, one can say that isolated or from the group of the excluded people had already at that time a lower chance of Survival. Now we no longer live in caves, and there are no saber-tooth tigers are chasing us. But this feeling cast out, and to not more with other people come in contact with, is just as bad as back then. And Yes, there are people isolated, anyway, rather, rather be alone – the now have the feeling that Now, and I’m not allowed to go out again. This is just for people who suffer from pre-existing conditions such as depression or Anxiety, such as a magnifying glass.: Everything is always much worse. I have experience in consulting.
What would you advise such a patient?
Maintain Your Networks! We have cell phones, we have the Internet, we have Skype and co. – to see that you deal at least once a day with people who are friendly to them. This is not the same as a Face-to-face contact, but it calmed down a little. We need to have the feeling that we are exposed to this Situation, are not completely helpless and alone. The same is true for everyone, but for single people currently in all the more.
Now, who’s suddenly alone again, especially a lot of time to Think and Ponder. How can Abandoned stop these negative thought loops?
It’s called psychologically actually grübel circle, after mulling over and over again about the same thing. After separations are often questions like: can I Find someone, I am perhaps to blame for the separation? Someone has me still love or I’m so stupid, so ugly, that I no more take the heat from? If this Pondering takes up the whole day in your head, then I would advise you to take conscious of the two time points of the day where you think of a certain place quite intensively on the couple’s relationship, the past and the future. In General, you will come to a solution, the head smoker, maybe you cry and are sad. And then you pound the table and say: “now is good” – and then they employ focused and aware with something totally different.
What else can help?
You try, your self-esteem refuel. Get thoughts, what are your good qualities, where you say: I’m okay. You write it, make small pieces of paper and hang in a visible somewhere.
Another important point – and this applies to all of the people currently: Make the day at least one thing, when you have the feeling that she gets you really good. They lead a list. The can go of cheese and bake a cake to play the guitar. You try to treat yourself from this Pool of good stuff for at least a day. It might sound a bit simple or even corny. But if you take this seriously, it can help. You ultimately, please be clear: When it comes to you and your family and circle of good, it is at the Moment the most Important thing of all.
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Some people handle a separation by drawing with your friends through the Bars. This is currently not possible. Have you can tips on how to be Concerned, instead, distract?
(laughs) So first rate, I generally depend on grief with alcohol or something to numb – to displace the pain only for a short time. I hope that each of us has at least one friend or relative that he knows Of to help me, I can call, and the nerve I not speech, then even if there is still time on the separation. A challenge is the. You tell people, “I’m sorry, I know this may annoy you, but I have to discuss this again with you, otherwise I’ll explode”. Then you might tell a quarter or half an hour of it, before you try to come back to other topics.
It is important to not stay in this seemingly unsolvable Dilemma. To calm the emotions. Any separation feels like a small death. Thank God the one who is hopefully still there and healthy, the disconnects, but there has to be a kind of mourning phase. And part of this is that you don’t realize at first that the other is actually there. Also, to give the feeling of space. Then will come the reality and you can say: It was a good time and he or she remains in my heart. But we broke up and now I’m again open for new relations.
And when the emotions are initially too much?
It is perfectly in order, if to distract psychologically quite intense – I mean explicitly, not alcohol or drugs. Dive off the game instead, your favorite, your favorite series, your favorite book. The brain needs these periods of recovery, so that it is overloaded completely, freaking out. So it’s okay to say that the Situation is now distressing and I’m scared too, but I don’t think the 24 hours. Treat yourself to these breaks. At some point, they appear back and think about how you can make more. Maybe you are looking for professional help. There are enough marriage counselor, the offer by phone. You can coach and try to make a Plan for the time after the Corona-crisis and separation.
You personally have the impression or the assumption that the crisis brings more and more couples or more together you know?
There are both directions. What I experience personally currently: My wife and I have been together for over 30 years and we enjoy the time together just very. Everyone makes his own stuff, but we also look forward to, I Binge-operate Watching. The other direction is that the conflicts in relationships and families will now be illustrated again. Before it could go out of the way – not alone, that you had to go to work or school. Now, this evasive lack of maneuvers and then come up repressed conflicts more frequent and more intense high then it will crash more frequently. I think that divorce lawyers are going to have to do after Corona is a little bit more.
Suppose someone is thinking about ending the relationship. Or would you rather wait?
I would personally wait. In the present Situation, where no one knows how to do it, we need the feeling of security. Generally, it is not now advisable to make an existential decision in life. If we are already under a lot of Stress, we can think bad logical. We must, however, in order to give our life a new turn and to plan the future after realistic. Here again, the BANK can help model, by telling a Partner:
“I have the feeling that we live side by side. What was perhaps in love, I can feel no more and I have the feeling that we can’t get the baked.” If you’re lucky, it acts as a warning shot, and you can still consider whether the relationship is perhaps to save to.
And if children are in the game? How can the deal with a dispute between the parents?
It is very important for children that they can talk to a Person you are when there is Stress and strife – for example, grandma or grandpa, a teacher, the neighbor or the aunt. That children do not have the courage, if it is the parents able to contact other adult. You know: loves me for who I am and helps me.
Children will also have problems that you cannot talk away. But a child has the right to be helped – that’s what my wife and I with our Podcast, “Hello, I’m Manfred try”. To give in times of Corona support, in a childish way. In the following, it is also suitable on the subject of contention and violence in the family or fear. To this end, we have given the majority of the impacts and on the Website to the Podcast the appropriate emergency numbers for any problems – for example, the number against sorrow 116 / 111.
Thank you for the interview!
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